I was just scrolling through social media clips yesterday and stumbled upon a video of Stella O’Malley (a therapist I admire) talking about toxic empathy and its impact on adolescent development. What a concept! But there’s something to it that Abigail Shrier explored in her book Bad Therapy. In a world where self-care and emotional well-being are increasingly prioritized, it’s easy to believe that more empathy, validation, and support are always the answers. But what our society has lost in favor of superficial affirmation is the ability to dialogue, challenge, or explore alternative perspectives, which is necessary for growth and healing.
Toxic Empathy in Therapy
At its core, the concept of “too much empathy” can seem counterintuitive. After all, aren’t we supposed to feel supported and understood in therapy? Isn’t it vital for a therapist to validate our emotions, listen attentively, and offer comfort when we’re at our most vulnerable? Yes, to an extent. But when this support transforms into constant affirmation at the expense of truth, it runs the risk of becoming toxic.
Too much empathy in therapy can prevent people from developing the emotional resilience they need to face life’s challenges. In an effort to create an environment of absolute affirmation, some therapists have gone to the extreme, prioritizing their clients’ emotional comfort above all else. While the initial intention is to create a safe space for expression, this approach often neglects the importance of self-discipline and accountability—two pillars that lead to lasting change. It cultivates a culture where individuals become accustomed to being shielded from discomfort, conflict, or even the simple realities of life. The danger lies in this: without the necessary tools to navigate distress, we may develop a reliance on others to bear our burdens, never learning to carry them ourselves. This undermines the growth that therapy is supposed to foster.
The Pendulum Swing: From Emotion Denial to Over-Affirmation
This move toward an all-affirming, never-challenging approach to therapy is part of a broader cultural shift. It’s the pendulum swing from the opposite end of the spectrum, where emotions were once seen as irrelevant or even a sign of weakness. Historically, many therapeutic and societal approaches dismissed emotional expression, demanding that people “toughen up” or “just get over it.” In this world, self-discipline and control were seen as paramount, often at the cost of personal vulnerability.
Today, we’ve swung to the opposite extreme. The pendulum has tipped so far toward emotional validation that we accept and remain in our struggles. In this climate, therapy sessions can sometimes feel more like emotional indulgence than the tough love required for real progress. The dangers of this approach lie in how it encourages people to seek only affirmation and never wrestle with the harder questions of growth.
In her book, Shrier identified one of the core problems with empathy, that it is naturally polarizing. To empathize with one person, you end up adopting their perspective to such a degree that you end up losing contact with the other. In couples therapy, the therapist learns to balance and hold the emotional experiences of both parties but this is an exhausting process and much of the energy is devoted to resisting the urge to take sides or empathize too much with one or the other. Shrier writes, “Empathy invariably involves a choice of whose feelings to coronate and whose to disregard.” Could this be part of why we see so much callousness in our “cancel culture”? The same people who tout kindness above all else are spewing hateful comments to anyone who disagrees with them. Too much empathy leads to a low frustration tolerance and we cannot withstand the tension of disagreement. Therefore, we must silence those who disagree.
A Balanced Approach: Authority and Challenge
So what does good therapy look like in the context of balancing empathy and challenge? A therapist must hold space for both affirmation and correction, providing an environment where emotional expression is welcomed, but also where patients are pushed to confront difficult truths about themselves. In this balanced approach, the therapist doesn’t shy away from maintaining their authority or offering constructive feedback when necessary. Sometimes, the most compassionate act is to challenge our patients, to push them outside of their comfort zone, and to offer a mirror that reflects back the areas they need to grow.
This is where the Catholic “both and” philosophy provides a valuable framework. For Catholics, human beings are imperfect and called to perfection; in that paradox likes the tension between justice and mercy, and unconditional love paired with loving limits. In Catholic theology, the notion of mercy isn’t about absolving all wrongs without consequence. Instead, it’s about extending compassion while also recognizing that true growth often requires correction. Justice isn’t about punishment, but about offering a fair and honest reflection of reality, even if it’s difficult to face. This “both and” approach encourages a deep compassion that still respects the dignity and autonomy of the individual while fostering personal responsibility.
Similarly, in therapy, we must hold both empathy and challenge in tension. Clients need to feel heard and understood, but they also need to be held accountable for their choices and actions. Sometimes, the most loving thing a therapist can do is to set boundaries or to call out unhealthy patterns. This isn’t about being unkind—it’s about empowering the client to face their own weaknesses and rise above them.
Extreme Parenting Styles: The Echo of Toxic Empathy
The tension between over-affirmation and necessary correction can also be seen in Diana Baumrind’s studies of parenting. She called attention to three different parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian. On one extreme, you have parents who indulge their children’s every whim, believing that total acceptance and affirmation are key to raising emotionally healthy children (permissive). This can lead to a lack of discipline and responsibility, as children are never taught how to manage disappointment or frustration.
On the opposite extreme, there are parents who emphasize strict control and discipline, ignoring their children’s emotional needs in favor of rigid structures and rules. In these households, children may feel emotionally stifled or unheard, and their emotional development is stunted (authoritarian).
Just as in therapy, the ideal approach to parenting lies in finding a balance between love and limits (authoritative). Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally, but they also need to understand that they are responsible for their actions and must learn how to cope with life’s inevitable struggles. Both emotional support and the imposition of limits are necessary for healthy development. Both parents and therapists must maintain and respectfully utilize their authority.
The Power of a Balanced Perspective
Therapy, like parenting, requires a delicate balance between love and limits. Too much empathy can be just as damaging as too little, stifling growth and leaving individuals emotionally unprepared for the realities of life. By embracing a balanced approach—one that blends validation with healthy challenges—we can foster personal development, emotional resilience, and lasting change. As we navigate the complexities of therapy, parenting, and life itself, the Catholic “both and” offers a guiding light. We are called to be loving and often an act of love is one of compassionate correction.