I don’t practice a lot of marital therapy, though I enjoy it immensely, and have found Sue Johnson’s Emotional Focused Couple’s Therapy to be the most valuable therapeutic model for couples. Sue talks about the dynamic that couples get into as “the cycle” and labels different patterns based on the signature “protective moves.” I love this model because it aligns beautifully with Catholic teaching on unity and highlights are propensity toward division when we feel threatened. Essentially, she frames most of couples’ problems in terms of the activation of defenses in response to threats. This makes so much sense. We feel our most secure when we know that we belong – and where better to feel that strong bond than in a marriage! When that central bond is threatened, you bet defenses go up! It’s terrifying! As human beings, we do not like the threat of isolation, abandonment, rejection, or solitude! Different people have different ways of protecting themselves (and their most important bonds) based on their earlier life experiences.
We usually learn these “go to” methods of relationship-preservation in childhood. Babies and toddlers are hard-wired to protect the bond with their parents. This is a natural survival instinct – without parents or guardians, little people are pretty darn vulnerable! So these ways of protecting the relationship are hardwired and often come out automatically and operate undetected. The first stage in EFT is identifying the cycle. Are you a couple who tends to withdraw to opposite sides of the house when conflict spikes its ugly head, or do you come in hot fighting for the relationship and your space in it? Johnson lays out the cycle based on a basic “pursue” and “withdraw” pattern. Usually, one of the couple is the pursuer and one is the withdrawer – with occasional couples who operate on a pursue-pursue or withdraw-withdraw cycle. Ironically, from an individual stance, the cycle is there to preserve the relationship, but once it starts, it usually causes division! Often neither party recognizes the premium the other is placing on the relationship. Withdrawn individuals often feel attacked and intruded upon, while pursuers usually feel abandoned and alone. Both are fighting hard for the relationship! Once it’s clear who pursues and who withdraws, steps can be made to change the cycle and get out of what Sue calls the “demon dance.” Which, from a theological standpoint, is so on point! The devil wants division. The Lord wants union for your marriage! So, how do we get out of the cycle?
- First step: become aware.
- Second step: call it out!
- Third step: be present to the other.
I had one couple I worked with who trained themselves to do a silly dance once they noticed the cycle activate! Humor is a wonderful tool to deflate and deactivate the cycle. To break free from the cycle, both partners need to commit to rebuilding trust and emotional safety. This involves being vulnerable, showing empathy, and acknowledging each other’s pain. Instead of pointing fingers, it’s crucial to create a shared understanding of each other’s needs and emotions. Communication should focus on listening to understand, not to respond. By slowing down and taking the time to validate each other’s feelings, couples can break the negative patterns that once felt impossible to escape.
Ultimately, healing and progress come from consistency. It’s about making small, intentional changes each day, whether through expressing affection, reassuring your partner, or simply being present. As couples work together to break free from the cycle, they create a new foundation where love, respect, and understanding can thrive. With patience and commitment, both partners can emerge stronger, more connected, and ready to face challenges as a team, building a relationship that supports growth and mutual fulfillment.
Getting out of the cycle isn’t an easy task, but it’s incredibly rewarding when both partners are willing to work together. It requires a willingness to recognize the protective patterns we’ve carried with us, often since childhood, and the humility to acknowledge when these defenses aren’t serving us in our marriages. As we recognize and disrupt the cycle, we can begin to create a new rhythm—one rooted in connection, understanding, and love. By being aware of our reactions, calling out the patterns, and remaining present with one another, we transform our relationship into a space where we can both feel safe, valued, and deeply known. This isn’t just therapy; it’s a path toward the kind of union that reflects both our deepest human longing and the divine call to love as we are loved. So, take it step by step—because a marriage that moves forward together is a marriage that thrives.